Worldliness

I don't know about you, but the same issues occur over and over in my life. As I passed the 30 year mark I found myself frustrated that I had not "conquered" some of the sins in my life, that I am still struggling with the same things I struggled with at 20. . . I wonder if I will ever get it right this side of heaven? But I am grateful to a gracious God who is patient and loving despite my constant failures. He is like the patient Daddy who walks behind me as I take my stumbling steps and picks me back up when I fall down to start over again. . .
One issue that I struggle with a lot is the issue of living "in the world but not of the world," specifically in realtionship to money and how I spend it.
I married a man who was taught a lot about being a wise steward of money. Although this was not something I was taught a lot myself, I have always tried to be wise when it came to money. I have always tithed, tried not to be in debt, save some yadayada. . . I should also mention that my husband could easily take a vow of poverty. I on the other hand would struggle greatly! I should also mention that we have been very blessed in the area of finances, and not because we are wise, but just because we are blessed.
When we moved to Kenya we were put into a position I had never been in--the upper class. My one stipulation for a house was that I did not want a dirt floor. Since everything in our village was small huts with dirt floors our team (wisely) chose to move us into a concrete "mansion." We had been warned in missionary training that there would be a tension in how to live as missionaries in relation to the people we served. One school of thought is that you live among the people exactly as they do--dirt floor hut and all. Another school of thought is that you live in such a way that you can sustain yourself there. . . what do you "need" to survive. For us it was a CD player for music, computer for entertainment, cell phone for communication, Coke for sanity breaks, and no dirt floors. There was an obvious division between us and the people we served. And I'm not sure if it was good, necessary, or just the way things were. It was very hurtful when our trusted househelper stole a lot of money from us. Had we made the divide too big?
Now we live in America. If I compare myself to the uppper to middle class we live very conservatively. We do without a lot of "things." But when I compare myself to a biblical standard my guilty conscience condemns me and I wonder, is it justified? Am I really being a wise steward of God's money? For it is His money, never mine. Did I really need that patio set? Did I really need that shirt? Do I really need chocolate and Coke every day? Of course not. There is so much more I could do without, but consciously choose not to.
There is a fine line between living in the world and living of the world. I never want to live of the world, but I am afraid sometimes the line is blurry to me and I am confused. Or at least I claim confusion to excuse my blatant disobedience.
I am a struggling child. . . and once again I am so grateful to my heavenly Father who graciously forgives me and patiently teaches me--even if it takes the rest of my life!