I can do hard things

I just had a good cry in the car. It's been a long couple of weeks. After seeming months and literal weeks of waiting for approval for foster parenting we finally got that fated call last Monday. And within one hour of the call I was holding sweet newborn baby in my arms. Crazy! It has been a roller coaster of emotions-some I was prepared for, some I was not. In the first few days I really struggled with guilt-guilt that I was cuddling and loving this sweet baby and his mommy was not. I had to keep reminding myself that the DCS decisions were not mine to make. I was only charged with loving and caring for the child they placed with us, praying for the bio family, and leaving the legalities and justice to them. So we've all been loving on sweet baby and falling more and more in love with him.

Now, I'm only a week and a half into foster parenting, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I don't know much. But I do know that when we entered this foster parenting journey it was in the hopes of reunifying families. We are part of a community that highly values reconciliation and I believe this is an extension of that ministry-reconciling families together. We're not in this for adoption because we already have 4 of our own wonderful kiddos. We just want to provide a safe, loving environment for children to grow and heal before they are eventually reunited with their family. So I have been praying that Baby's parents won't give up. That they'll keep fighting and make good choices-because he is oh so worth it. AND HE IS THEIR'S.

And here is my major annoyance. The most common comment I've heard when I've gotten to show off sweet baby is, "Oh, but you can't give him back. You'll be too attached." Well, no actually, I can give him back. Because that's what fostering is. He isn't mine. Not giving him back would be kidnapping, which by the way is cruel and illegal. Do I love baby? YES! Am I attached? YES! Will it be painful and hard? YES! Will there be heartache and grief? YES! But we can do hard things!
Now I haven't gotten to that point yet. And I admit part of me resists the urge to hope we can keep him forever. Because he is particularly beautiful and wonderful. But I've gotten a chance to interact with mom and dad. And he is their's. And they love him, despite their own issues....

So I cried in the car as I left him for his visitation. Because this is a broken world and this system I have become a part of is a glaring, painful reminder of that brokenness. I am marinating in it. And it hurts. But I pray for baby and for mom and dad and for my family and a broken system-that we will do what's right by baby.