Yahweh, the Father

"Yahweh, Yahweh, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness." Exodus 34:6



This verse is our family's "life verse." It first appears in scripture when God appears before Moses and speaks His name in Exodus 34. This is how God describes Himself. And through the years I have been amazed at how often it shows up throughout scripture as the description of God. This is the God I serve. And this is what I am called to be like. . .

The two most important roles in my life are wife and mother. Lately I have felt that my role as wife is pretty "easy." My husband makes being his wife easy. We are best friends. We communicate well. I am blessed to have an emotionally healthy, stable husband. By the grace of God we don't struggle with issues in our marriage--partly because Danny would never let us go to bed if we did ;). He expresses himself well, especially when expressing his affirmation and appreciation of me. And I am learning more and more how to "speak his love language." We share everything. . .

Being a mom on the other hand is much more difficult. Lately I have felt guilt about my role as a mom. I am not perfect (NOT that I am perfect at anything, even being a wife!). I am very aware of my faults and failures, especially as a mom. I mentioned in a previous post that I had some apprehensions about meeting the physical, emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual needs of multiple children. God has blessed me with four beautiful, wonderful children. Sometimes I wonder why He thought I could handle it!

If you ever read any parenting magazines you know how you could be guilt-ridden and overwhelmed by the role of a mother. In any issue there are a plethora of issues a mother (parent) has to be concerned with. We are told the best ways to discipline our kids, how to keep them safe from the sun or strangers or bullies or dogs, how to help them get more/better sleep, how to arrange playdates, how to encourage healthy eating habits, how to stimulate intellectual growth--starting in the womb!, what toys, movies, books, etc. are best, how to be frugal(although their frugal is usually not frugal enough for me!), what kind of preschool to enroll them in, what activities are best for social, physical, intellectual development, how to help them love learning, how to help them become moral citizens, how to help them love the environment and how to take care of it, the best vacations to take them on, how to navigate relationships, how to capture all those memorable moments . . . SIGH. Besides the fact that I disagree with 80% of their approach to parenting, there are a lot of areas that parents have a lot of influence over. Whether conciously or subconciously we do affect the kind of people are kids become. And that overwhelms me.

I also mentioned in a previous post that I am a baby person. Babies are so cute and cuddly. Cuddling I know how to do. Nursing I know how to do. Singing lullabys I know how to do. Changing diapers I know how to do. The older they get the more complex the issues and parenting becomes. I realized the other day that I have an 8 year old a 6 year old. I am scared that my window of opportunity with them is closing. What if I have already skrewed them up?!

Which brings me back to the verse. God is compassionate. I struggle with this one. I have determined that one of the reasons I am able to deal with so many children at a time (on some days I watch 8) is that I am okay with crying. I do not feel the need to alleviate a child's crying immediately. Obviously I respond to emergencies and the young ones appropriately. But I am okay with children learning--at a young age-- that the world does not cater to their needs, and I especially can not when I have half a dozen or more children under foot! I don't baby my husband when he is sick either! I expect children to learn consequences for wrong or misguided behavior, and I don't expect them to like it! I encourage them, sometimes too roughly, to pull themselves out of self pity or whining or complaing. But, in my lack of compassion what am I teaching my kids?

God is patient. I am not. I don't like to wait, and I especially don't like to wait on children--neither to give birth to them nor anything afterwards! Danny and I tend to be very authoritarian in our discipline approach. We expect our children do obey IMMEDIATELY. . .then they may ask questions or discuss whatever with us. Danny frequently reminds our kids that obeying us is practice for obedience to God. And obedience to God does not always make sense, nor is it fun. But I also see my impatience rubbing off on my kids as Josiah gets very frustrated and angry with school work or Moses can't do something himself and he wants it done NOW! I hear Hannah scolding her brothers in frustration and I know she is mimicing me.

So, what am I to do as an imperfect person who desperatly wants her children to be healthy, contributing members of this world? Well, the answer actually comes from Danny's parents. In a moving interview which was taped just weeks before her death, Danny's mom said, "The one thing we did right [for our boys] was pray the prayer, 'God make up for our mistakes.'" I am not patient or compassionate as I should be. I do not always treat my children with the respect and autonomy that they deserve. I am learning. But I serve a God who is the perfect parent. I pray to Him and ask Him to make up for my mistakes and to be the perfect parent for my children. My prayer for them lately is from Isaiah 43: 3-5 "LORD, pour out Your Spirit on my children, and Your blessings on my descendants. May they spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. May they say, 'I belong to the LORD' and call themselves by the name of Jacob. May they write on their hand 'The LORD's' and take the name of Israel." When it is all said and done, to have my children walk in intimate righteousness with Yahweh is my only desire. Where I am weak, may Yahweh's strength help my children!